


There Is No Substitute For Love

by likethenight



Series: It's Always Been You [2]
Category: TOLKIEN J. R. R. - Works & Related Fandoms, The Lord of the Rings (Movies), The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Demisexual Character, Fear of Discovery, First Time, Getting Together, M/M, Secret Relationship, Sibling Incest, Smut, Twincest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-19
Updated: 2020-07-19
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:33:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25389841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/likethenight/pseuds/likethenight
Summary: After a game of truth-or-dare-and-have-you-ever cuts far too close to the truth, Elrohir and Elladan come clean with each other.
Relationships: Elladan/Elrohir (Tolkien)
Series: It's Always Been You [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1838758
Comments: 6
Kudos: 20





	There Is No Substitute For Love

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Have You Ever](https://archiveofourown.org/works/167100) by [epkitty](https://archiveofourown.org/users/epkitty/pseuds/epkitty). 



> This is a spin-off story from [A River Loves A Stone](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25034833), in which we discover how the twins first became more than brothers. It was inspired in part by a moment in [Have You Ever](https://archiveofourown.org/works/167100) by [epkitty](https://archiveofourown.org/users/epkitty/pseuds/epkitty), whose work I was delighted to discover here on AO3 when I came back to this fandom after 15-odd years away. The twins are young here, past their majority but probably no more than a hundred years old or so (they are pushing two thousand or so by the time we meet them in A River Loves A Stone).
> 
> Features a trick taken directly from the pages of the Famous Five and any number of other children's adventure novels - and a whole load of other stuff which is _definitely_ not from the same source.
> 
> The title comes from a song by Empathy Test, who I can thoroughly recommend if you're looking for some yearning-pining synthpop.
> 
> Please note the rating and tags, and proceed with caution.
> 
> Kudos and comments are of course not obligatory, but every single one absolutely makes my day, so if you enjoy this story and leave one or the other (or both!), you will be making me very happy indeed. <3

It began with a drunken game of truth-or-dare-and-have-you-ever in the garrison’s refectory, a small group of the Imladris guard, Glorfindel, and the sons of Elrond relaxing after a patrol. The more wine was consumed, the more lewd and inappropriate the questions became, and the more interesting the dares. Between them the company had already discovered somewhat more about the sexual preferences of various of those present than their owners would normally have divulged, Glorfindel had been dared - and accepted every time - to kiss various members of the company, and everyone was well on the way to being completely hammered drunk.

The questions went round the table, and by the time it was Elrohir’s turn to answer again, Saelbeth was leaning forward, his question bubbling up as if he was absolutely dying to know. “Do you two - no, Elrohir, when you - “ he broke off, blushed, took a gulp of wine and giggled, “- when you touch yourself, have you ever imagined it’s not your hands but his?” Saelbeth tilted his goblet in Elladan’s direction.

Elrohir’s eyes widened and his head snapped round to look at Elladan, who was looking at him with a mirror-image expression of shock. Scarlet-faced, Elrohir turned back to Saelbeth, fixing him with an unfriendly look. “No, I have not,” he said firmly, and only one who knew him very well indeed would have heard the tremor in his voice. 

“Saelbeth, who do _you_ think of?” Elladan demanded, out of turn and not a have-you-ever, but the tone of his voice brooked no argument, and Saelbeth stammered out an unintelligible reply, blushing hard. “Well, then,” said Elladan, firmly, “if you’re not willing to tell, then you don’t get to ask.”

Elrohir had regained his composure by now, more or less, and he set his goblet down on the table, pushing his chair back. “I have had enough to drink,” he said as steadily as he could manage. “I am going to go to bed. Have fun with the rest of your evening, lads.” He stood and left the room slowly and deliberately, but once the door had closed behind him, he fled back up the stairs to the highest house, wanting only to go and hide in his room, suddenly the only place he thought he would feel safe, away from prying eyes and most importantly, away from his brother. Reaching his bedroom at last, he locked the door behind him - the first time he had ever done so, the first time he had ever needed to lock himself away from Elladan, but he could not - he _could not_ face his twin just now. Because he might have got away with it with the others, but he knew that Elladan always knew when he was lying; Elladan would have known that he had not answered Saelbeth’s question with the truth. 

He curled up in the armchair by the window, hugging his knees to his chest and resting his forehead on his knees, tensed against the waves of misery rolling through him. Elladan knew his most shameful secret now, and he would never be able to look his brother in the eye again.

Not much time had passed before he heard the main door into their chambers slam open, and Elladan’s voice calling his name. Elrohir hunched further into himself, holding his breath so that his brother would not hear him, but of course they did not need voices to talk between them, and Elrohir knew that Elladan would be able to sense his distress just as clearly as he could sense Elladan’s confusion, his frantic concern, and - and the disgust he had expected Elladan to feel was not there, only…only what felt almost like a bright, hard flash of hope. Elrohir bit his lips together, no, he was imagining it, he must be.

Elladan rattled the handle of Elrohir’s bedroom door, discovering that it was locked, and let out a curse. “Elrohir, let me in! Come on, gwanur-nín, it’s me, what’s wrong?”

Elrohir shook his head, _no, I can’t, I can’t, don’t make me!_ and Elladan cursed again. There was a scuffling sound and a soft thunk, and Elrohir opened his eyes to see the key dropping out of the keyhole and onto a sheet of paper which Elladan had pushed under the door. He watched as his brother pulled the paper back under the door, the key going with it, and his heart sank; why had he not thought to take the key out of the lock? It was the work of moments for Elladan to unlock the door, and Elrohir had to close his eyes again against the brightness and heat of his twin’s presence in the doorway. 

“Elrohir, what’s wrong?” Elladan demanded, crossing the room in two strides to kneel by Elrohir’s chair. 

Elrohir shook his head, still unable to speak. _I can’t! You **know**._ He could not look at his twin, could not bear to see the condemnation he was sure was there on his brother’s face.

“What, that you just straight-up lied to Saelbeth? So what? I don’t think any of them knew you were lying, except me.” Elladan reached out to stroke Elrohir’s hair, and Elrohir tensed under his touch.

“But you knew,” he whispered hoarsely, and then froze as Elladan pressed a kiss to his hair.

“Of course I knew. But do you really think it bothers me? How can it possibly bother me that you think of me when you touch yourself, when all I can think of when I do it is _you_?”

Elrohir gasped, his head snapping up to see Elladan looking more earnest than he had ever seen him. “But…but it is forbidden,” he whispered, and Elladan rolled his eyes. 

“Who cares? Honestly, who _cares_? It’s nobody’s business but ours. You already know we share a soul, we always have. How could we ever be happy with anyone else? How could we be happy apart?”

“If Ada finds out, he will banish us. Or he will separate us.” Elrohir squeezed his eyes shut against the tears that wanted to fall at the thought of it.

“Let him try,” said Elladan fiercely. “I will not allow him, or anyone else, to take you away from me.” He slid his hand round to cradle the back of Elrohir’s head, and pulled him in, closer, closer, until their lips met, and this was not like any of the childish, brotherly kisses they had shared in their youth, this was something else, something so much more, and so _right_. Elladan’s mouth was hard and insistent, and a shiver went up Elrohir’s spine as he found himself opening for his brother, almost in a trance as his lips parted and he felt Elladan’s tongue gently touching to his own, heard his twin’s soft hum of pleasure. 

After a long moment they broke apart, resting their foreheads together. “Do you remember,” Elladan whispered, “that summer afternoon when you said we should go and stand under the waterfalls, and I had to - I don’t remember what I was doing now, but I had to finish it, whatever it was, and so you went first, and when I went to join you, you were…oh, you were naked under the water and you were so beautiful I couldn’t breathe. I had to just stand there and watch you for a moment, and I wanted to touch you so badly, I wanted it to be _my_ hands upon your skin. And when I went to you I had to stand apart from you, I had to keep my leggings on, otherwise I would have…I could not have kept myself under control.”

“I remember,” murmured Elrohir, closing his eyes, the memory flooding his mind of that unbearably hot day, the cold water coursing over his skin, the strange distance between Elladan and himself, the odd silence at the centre of the bond they shared that had begun that day and only now was filled with the sudden, overwhelming certainty of their desire for each other. “I was relieved that you did, because I wanted you…I wanted you to touch me and it frightened me.”

“I still want to touch you.” Elladan’s voice was dark, taut with need, and he got to his feet, moving round behind Elrohir’s chair and then leaning down to wrap his arms around Elrohir and rest his chin on Elrohir’s shoulder. “Look, meleth,” he murmured, tilting Elrohir’s face up so that they were both looking into the mirror that hung on the wall. “How many times have you sat here and watched yourself, and dreamed that it was my hands upon your skin?”

Elrohir shuddered as Elladan slid one hand down across his chest, and could not answer.

“Is it as many times as I have done the same thing, in my room, in front of my own mirror, do you think?”

“Valar, _Elladan_ ,” Elrohir gasped, another shudder rippling through him. 

“You don’t have to do that alone any more, Elrohir, and neither do I. If you will have me?” Elladan suddenly sounded uncertain, and Elrohir realised that his twin had been brazening his way through this entire encounter; Elladan was as nervous and as afraid of rejection as he himself was. Twisting in the chair he leaned up and pulled Elladan’s face down to his for a kiss.

“Of course I will have you. If you will have me.”

Elladan straightened up, pulling Elrohir to his feet and into a tight, fierce embrace. “I will have you and keep you by my side for all of eternity. We were already one soul, and this only completes our bond.” He paused, and grinned sharply. “I will also _have_ you, in every way we can think of. And you will, I hope, _have me_ in just as many ways.”

Elrohir shivered, momentarily overwhelmed. How could it be that his heart’s desire was suddenly here, holding him close, wanting him just as much? Moving almost as if in a dream he brought his hands up to frame Elladan’s face, so beautiful, a mirror image of his own, grey eyes and high cheekbones, full lips, sculpted brow, framed by long black hair caught back in warrior braids; looking in the mirror had been almost torture for so long, every glance at his own face a reminder of what he could not have. But now - _now_ \- it seemed he could have it after all, and he closed the distance between them, pressing his lips to Elladan’s in a searing, almost desperate kiss, pouring into it all his passion and despair. Elladan responded in kind, and when they broke apart again, breathless and panting, he grabbed Elrohir’s wrists and pulled him bodily over to the bed. With fingers made clumsy by haste they undressed each other, stripping off the uniform of the Imladrian guards, the identical muted blue-grey tunics, undershirts and leggings dropping abandoned to the floor as Elrohir fell backwards onto the bed, edging back to lie against the pillows and pulling Elladan with him. Elladan crawled up over him, leaning down to kiss him, and smiled.

“You’ve never done this before, have you?” Elladan’s voice was soft, gentle, almost reverent, and Elrohir shook his head, blushing faintly.

“I couldn’t. Because…because they wouldn’t have been you, and it just felt _wrong_.”

“We don’t have to now,” said Elladan, “if you don’t want to, if you’re not ready.”

Elrohir shook his head again. “No, I want to. I need - I want to be yours, completely.”

“You’re already mine,” Elladan smiled, leaning down to kiss him softly. “You always have been, and I have always been yours. This doesn’t change any of that.”

“But it completes it. It -“ Elrohir broke off, searching for the right word, “- it _sanctifies_ it.”

“Well, when you put it like that, meleth-nín,” murmured Elladan, “how could I possibly refuse you?” He pressed another kiss to Elrohir’s lips, and then began to move lower, leaving a trail of tiny kisses and little darts of his tongue all the way down Elrohir’s neck, across his collarbone, pausing in the hollow at the base of his throat to lay a proper kiss there, lips parted and tongue darting out to trace its contours.

“You _have_ done this before, haven’t you?” Elrohir heard himself asking, although he wasn’t really sure he wanted to hear the answer he knew was coming.

Elladan raised his head, his face utterly serious. “I have, a few times. But I almost wish I hadn’t, because it wasn’t right, none of it, because none of them were you. Because the first time I did any of this should have been with you.” He paused, and flashed Elrohir a truly sinful grin. “But I can’t regret all of it, because I learned a thing or two that hopefully will benefit us both.”

Elrohir couldn’t help the blush that rose up his face at that. “There will still be things we can learn together,” he whispered, and Elladan’s grin softened into a smile so full of love that it nearly took Elrohir’s breath away.

“There will,” he said. “But in the meantime, let me show you what I have learned so far, and show you how much you mean to me.” Another soul-deep kiss, and then he resumed his journey slowly down Elrohir’s body, kissing and licking down his long, beautiful neck, across his collarbones, one and then the other, pausing again at the hollow between them and then making his way further, across the smooth planes of Elrohir’s chest, muscled and hard from years of combat training. He pressed an open-mouthed kiss over each nipple, flicking his tongue until they hardened and Elrohir whimpered, slipping his hands into Elladan’s hair. Down, further down he went, whispering his love against Elrohir’s taut, flat stomach, pressing a kiss to each hipbone and then brushing his mouth across the tip of his twin’s arousal, just enough to elicit another whimper. He paused then, considering for a moment.

“I don’t suppose you have any oil in here, do you?” he murmured, looking up and catching his breath at the look in his brother’s eyes. “Or, I don’t know, cream or lotion, or something? I mean, if you want to do… _this_.” He drew his finger very carefully down between Elrohir’s legs, nudging gently against his entrance. “I won’t do it without something to help.”

Elrohir gasped at the sensation, and then realised that Elladan had asked him a question. Thinking quickly, he shook his head. “I don’t think so. All of that is in the bathroom.” And then, registering the other part of the question, he nodded. “Yes, I want to do this. I want _you_ to…” and then he trailed off, blushing hard.

Elladan grinned and moved up over him, pressing a kiss to his mouth. “You’re sure?”

Elrohir nodded, before he lost his nerve, and Elladan gave him a bright, delighted smile. “In that case, I will be _right back_.”

He rolled off the bed and almost ran out of the room; Elrohir whimpered at the loss of contact, but couldn’t quite help the giggle that escaped him at the sound of frantic rummaging coming from his brother’s room next door, the flash of frustration in Elladan’s mind followed by the words _got you!_ so loud and bright that they were almost audible. 

Elladan reappeared after a minute or so, holding something aloft in a triumphantly clenched fist. “Sorry about that, meleth-nín. I thought I knew where it was, only it wasn’t, but -“

“It doesn’t matter,” said Elrohir, “just get back over here, will you? I’m cold.” He shivered only a little theatrically, and Elladan hurried back to the bed, kneeling astride Elrohir’s legs and opening his hand to show his twin what he held. A small cut-glass bottle lay in his palm, its contents liquid, thick and golden, and Elladan leaned down to kiss Elrohir’s forehead.

“This will help,” he said softly. “It’ll be uncomfortable, but I’ll try and make it as easy as possible for you. And if I do it right, it’ll be _amazing_.”

“I have every faith in you, meleth-nín,” said Elrohir, trying the endearment out for the first time and finding that he liked it. The words felt natural on his tongue, and the smile they lit in Elladan’s eyes was the most delightful reward.

Elladan shifted so that he was kneeling next to his twin, smoothing a hand up Elrohir’s thigh. “Put your knees up, meleth, and your feet apart. It makes it easier.” He nudged underneath Elrohir’s knees, lifting them gently; Elrohir obeyed, and Elladan moved to settle between his thighs. He took the stopper out of the bottle and poured a little of the contents onto his fingers, then replaced the stopper and placed the bottle into Elrohir’s hand, folding his fingers around it. “You’ll need this in a moment,” he murmured, and watched as comprehension dawned on his twin’s beautiful face and heat rose in his eyes.

Carefully, Elladan placed his index finger against Elrohir’s entrance, massaging gently, spreading the oil and waiting until his twin relaxed a little; Elrohir squirmed under his touch, gasping, and Elladan shifted so that he could lean forward and kiss him to take his mind off the unfamiliar sensation between his legs. This had the added benefit of bringing their arousals together, the friction between them drawing a muffled cry from each mouth, and Elladan nudged his finger just very slightly inside. Elrohir cried out again, and Elladan stilled his hand.

“Are you all right?” he whispered against Elrohir’s lips, and Elrohir nodded, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment.

“Yes…it just feels…odd,” he murmured, and Elladan smiled.

“I’ll take it slowly,” he said. “Just try to relax.” He pressed his mouth to Elrohir’s again and began to move his finger, gently nudging and stroking, a little further in, a little further, and when he felt Elrohir beginning to relax he eased a second finger in, swallowing his brother’s hitching cries. “All right?” he asked again.

“Mmhh…yes. Yes. Feels…ai!…feels good. Now I’m a little bit used to it. It’s… _ai!_ “ He bucked upwards and then pushed down on Elladan’s fingers as they found the tightly bundled nerves inside him. “Ai, _Valar_ , Elladan, what was _that_?”

Elladan chuckled darkly. “That’s what I meant when I said it would feel amazing, if I did it right.”

“Then you’re definitely…ai!…doing it right,” Elrohir gasped. “Please…do it some more?”

“With pleasure, meleth-nín,” said Elladan darkly, twisting his fingers and grinning sharply as Elrohir bucked and cried out, his fingers scrabbling against Elladan’s back. “And you need to help me. Remember the bottle?”

Elrohir nodded, feeling about him on the bedcovers for the bottle, which he had dropped in his distraction. Elladan kissed him again and then knelt up to give him space, and Elrohir uncorked the bottle with shaking hands, tipping some of the oil onto his fingers. He almost forgot to replace the stopper, but remembered just in time before he dropped the bottle back onto the covers and, drawing in a deep breath, wrapped his hand around his twin’s arousal, slicking his whole length and letting out a tiny, soft whimper as Elladan shuddered at his touch; this had been what he had dreamed of, all this time, only it was so much better, so much _more_ …Elrohir cried out as Elladan slid his fingers out of him, only to replace two with three, gently encouraging him to relax still further, twisting his fingers and reaching inside, there, _there_ , and he cried out again, helpless now, reduced to nothing but need and want and the bewildered certainty that this was all he had ever wanted, all of it and _more_.

“Please,” he whispered incoherently, “ _please_ ,” and Elladan nodded, grabbing a pillow with his free hand and nudging it underneath Elrohir’s hips, replacing his fingers with the head of his arousal and slowly, slowly pushing inside. Leaning forwards, he placed his hands either side of Elrohir’s head and rested their foreheads together as he finally came to rest completely sheathed within the tightness of his brother’s body.

“Is that all right?” he whispered, struggling to keep his voice steady. 

“Yes,” murmured Elrohir, leaning up for a kiss. “Oh, _yes_. Only I feel like I’ll…I can’t hold on too long…”

“I don’t think I can either,” gasped Elladan as he rolled his hips and slowly, carefully began to move. “You’re just…so…ai, Elbereth, you feel so good, meleth-nín, so _good_ …”

Elrohir let out a soft, whimpering cry as the friction and pressure began to build, heat pooling in his belly, and instinctively he lifted his feet to cross his ankles in the small of Elladan’s back, pulling him in further, deeper, arching up to meet him, and then it all became too much and a single nudge against his prostate was all it took to send him falling, crying out, almost wailing as he came undone. Elladan tensed, trying to hold out against the convulsive tightening of Elrohir’s body around him, but to no avail, and he shuddered and let go, gasping for breath and clumsily seeking his brother’s lips for a kiss. 

Elladan carefully lowered himself to lie atop his twin, burying his face in Elrohir’s hair, and Elrohir tightened his arms and legs around him, hauling in one deep breath after another and swallowing down upon the sudden, unbidden lump in his throat. 

“I love you _so much_ ,” Elladan whispered after a moment, his voice hitching and almost breaking. “I have felt so incomplete, you have always been so near to me but yet so far away.”

“So have I,” said Elrohir softly, “so have I.” He swallowed again, gulping down a sob; now was surely no time for tears. “But we are complete, now. And we will never be without each other again.”

“We are complete,” Elladan echoed, raising himself up somewhat shakily so that he could look into his brother’s eyes. “And nothing and no one will ever divide us.”

“Nothing and no one,” said Elrohir, and he curled one hand around the back of Elladan’s neck, pulling him down for a long, slow kiss. 

“Except that I rather need to move,” said Elladan ruefully after a moment, “and clean us up.” Suiting the action to the words, he carefully withdrew and reached for a cloth, wiping them clean and then pitching the cloth away to the floor, stretching out alongside Elrohir and pulling the covers up over them both. Elrohir shifted to lie on his side, facing his twin, and they rested their foreheads together, eyes closed and simply breathing each other in for a moment. 

Suddenly Elladan let out a snort of laughter.

“What?” asked Elrohir, confused by his brother’s amusement, incongruous in this moment of quiet bliss.

“Only that I think we might actually owe Saelbeth our thanks,” said Elladan. 

Elrohir frowned; he had forgotten his humiliated anger at Saelbeth but now it returned with full strength as the memory of that awful moment in the refectory came flooding back. Elladan shifted slightly so that he could kiss the furrow at the centre of Elrohir’s brow, and smiled.

“I know, meleth, but tell me truly, if he had not asked you that question, would we be here now, like this? Would we ever have plucked up the courage to confront the things we couldn’t speak of?”

“I suppose not,” said Elrohir quietly, letting the humiliation and embarrassment die away again, pushing them down to replace them with his relief and happiness that finally they had been able to come to an understanding between themselves.

“Then we should probably thank him, sometime. Subtly, so that he doesn’t know what we’re thanking him for, of course.” Elladan snorted again. “Actually, how much would you want to bet me that he only asked that question because that’s what _he_ thinks of? You, or me, or both of us?”

Elrohir’s eyes widened, and he felt a blush rising up his face again. “Really? Do you think so? But - but why?”

Elladan rolled his eyes. “Do you really think nobody else has noticed what we have noticed about each other? We are passing fair to look upon, or at least you are, and therefore I must be too, given that we are identical. I would bet you anything you liked that Saelbeth has been wanting us for a while, and he hasn’t had the courage to do anything about it.”

Elrohir didn’t quite know what to say to that. He supposed he had noticed Saelbeth watching them, had noticed others, but he had never really thought twice about it; they must be looking at Elladan, because he was the bright one, the fun one, the outgoing one. Elladan was the one who sometimes reciprocated those looks. Elladan was the desirable one. Elrohir was just - just Elrohir. The quiet one, the shy one, the mouse to his brother’s lion. The one who had eyes for nobody but his twin, the one who could not bear even to think about touching someone else, being with someone who was not Elladan. He closed his eyes, suddenly feeling uncomfortably close to tears.

“Meleth, what’s wrong?” whispered Elladan, and Elrohir knew his twin had caught on to his sudden distress, had heard it through the bond they shared. 

He shook his head. “Nothing. I don’t know. I just feel…wrong, thinking of someone else wanting me. It feels wrong inside. I don’t want him to look at me like that.” The humiliation burned in his throat again.

Elladan kissed his forehead. “Then I will make sure he never does again, meleth. I won’t allow anyone to make you feel like that.”

“I just want you,” Elrohir whispered, and his voice broke and the tears came, the certainty that he could only ever love his twin and the fear of anyone discovering them and separating them completely overwhelming him at last. 

Elladan gathered him close, wrapping his arms tight around him and stroking his hair, holding him through the shuddering sobs that wracked his body. “You have me, meleth,” he said softly, fiercely, “I swear it to you by all the Valar, I am yours as you are mine, for ever, and I will never let anyone touch you or even look at you if you don’t want them to. We belong to each other.”

“And what if Ada -“ Elrohir could not finish his sentence, trailing off into another sob. “Or Nana -“

“Then we stand up to them,” said Elladan, “and we tell them that there is no other way for things to be. Besides, Ada ought to understand at least a little of it, because he had a twin once too, and even if they didn’t feel for each other as we do, he cannot look us in the eye and say he does not still mourn for his brother. He knows what it would do to us if we were separated, and he would not be that cruel.”

“But if it is forbidden, and that is what is demanded as punishment?” Elrohir took a long, shuddering breath, trying to calm himself enough to speak properly. “Ada is a great Lord of our people, and he cannot put the laws aside for his own convenience. He will have to do it, if he finds out.”

“And how do you know it’s forbidden?” demanded Elladan. “Have you ever seen it written down? Or is it just that you’ve never heard of anyone like us before?”

“I - I don’t know,” said Elrohir, brought up short. “I just always assumed -“

“You can’t tell me you haven’t heard the rumours about Maedhros and Fingon, surely?”

“Well, of course I have, but they were cousins, they weren’t brothers, so -“

“That’s only a small distinction,” said Elladan. “They were still related, and the Valar must have ordained them for each other. As they have ordained us for each other, and you cannot tell me that what we feel - what we have just done - is wrong, when it feels so right.” He paused, uncertainty flickering in his eyes. “It felt right to you? Because it did to me.”

“It felt like the only thing in my life that was right, and everything else was lies,” Elrohir whispered brokenly. “This is all I am sure of. I cannot love anyone else but you, but what if we are wrong?”

“We are _not_ wrong,” said Elladan firmly. “And I don’t care who says otherwise. But if you really want to know, might I remind you that the best library in Arda is two levels below us? Surely if there is any mention of the love we share, you will find it there.”

Elrohir drew in a deep breath, calming himself further. “I need to know if what we share is truly forbidden,” he said softly. “I know you say who cares, and mostly I don’t, because I know this is right. But I have to know if others would disagree with us, and if it is a crime, I want to know the punishment. I need to be prepared for whatever might happen.” His voice shook again and he fell silent, burying his face in Elladan’s hair. 

“Then go to the library, meleth,” murmured Elladan, “and set your mind at rest, whichever way the dice fall. But nothing any book can say will change any of this, and it cannot make our love any less than the perfect, Valar-given gift that it is. Nothing will take that away from us.” His voice was fierce, determined, and Elrohir drew in a long, comforting breath filled with his twin’s certainty, his unconditional, unquestioning love. He would search the library, he would brace himself for whatever he might find, and then he would deal with the consequences. And perhaps they might be bitter, but at least he would _know_.  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
Elrohir desperately scoured the library for any indication that what he and his twin felt for each other might not be forbidden, hoping against hope to find something, anything that might justify them and not lead to them being cast out of their home, or worse, separated. He found nothing, and at the end of another long day of fruitless searching, he sat with his head in his hands at one of the reading desks, trying very hard to compose himself before anyone found him.

“What is the matter, pen-neth?” inquired a deep, familiar voice, and Elrohir jumped, looking up to see Master Erestor standing before him, having appeared so silently that he might just as well have stepped out of the air.

Elrohir’s first thought was to make up some story to deflect his former tutor’s attention, but then a traitorous little voice in the back of his head pointed out that if anyone knew the contents of this library, other than his father, whom he could not ask for obvious reasons, then it must be Erestor. 

“I am looking for something,” he said, rather hesitantly. “I want - I need - to know if something…if something is forbidden.” His voice trailed off as he spoke, so that by the time he finished it was in little more than a whisper.

“I see,” said Erestor. “And am I permitted to know what this something is, so that I might help you find it?”

Elrohir tried not to let his horrified reaction show on his face. “No! I mean…I mean, no, Master Erestor, I cannot tell you.”

“How many times must I say to you, pen-neth, that now you are no longer a pupil of mine you may call me by my name only?” Erestor’s tone was long-suffering but amused, and it stung Elrohir to a retort.

“Why do you still call me pen-neth, if I am no longer your pupil?” he demanded, then had to keep himself from clapping a hand over his mouth in consternation.

Erestor chuckled, a low rumbling sound deep in his chest. “Because to me you are still very young, and I am very fond of you and your brother. But I am no longer your tutor and you no longer need to address me with my title. Does that explain?”

Elrohir nodded, schooling his expression so as not to flinch at Erestor’s mention of his brother.

“Good,” said Erestor, “then we are in agreement. Now, as to your forbidden something, I assume that you have already checked the seven-volume unabridged edition of _Laws and Customs of the Eldar_ , which is of course the definitive work on the subject.”

Elrohir nodded again.

“But you did not find it there.”

Elrohir shook his head. 

“Then I must assume that it is something that the compilers of that great work either thought to be insignificant, or that its forbidden-ness - or otherwise - went without saying.” Erestor paused, considering, and Elrohir hoped desperately that his misery did not show upon his face.

Eventually, Erestor nodded sharply. “Well. Given that you are very young, and you are beginning to find your way in the world, I might perhaps assume that your question concerns something to do with the nature of love, as it is practised by Elvenkind?”

Elrohir could not quite reply, but the scarlet blush that flooded his face at Erestor’s words seemed to answer for him. A small but surprisingly indulgent smile lit Erestor’s face, and he nodded again. “Then I know the text you require, pen-neth. Follow me.” He turned on his heel and made for the shelves, Elrohir scuttling after him as quickly as he could.

The text concerned was tucked away in a back corner, on a shelf high enough that even Erestor had to stretch to reach it, a slim, hand-stitched volume bound in red leather. Erestor plucked it from the shelf and brought it down to place it in Elrohir’s hands. “There, pen-neth. I think you will find the answer to your question in there.”

Elrohir took the book and began to stammer out his thanks, but Erestor just smiled that smile again. “No need to thank me, pen-neth. And I do not need to know the nature of your query, but if you find that you need to speak to someone about it, at any time, I hope you know that my door is always open, and my lips are always sealed.”

Elrohir nodded and murmured a ‘thank you’ and backed away, almost fleeing back to his reading desk. Then, thinking better of reading such a text in the open library, he turned tail and fled back to the rooms he shared with Elladan, wanting to read in private instead; he thought to himself as he went that Erestor probably would not mind him taking the book out of the library.

When he got there, he paced about for a few moments, unsure where to sit, unsure for that matter if he had the courage to read the book Erestor had given him, almost certain that he was not brave enough to bear the disappointment and despair if it proclaimed their love to be taboo. He almost curled in one of the armchairs by the fireplace, but thought better of it at the last moment, retreating into his bedroom instead and closing the door. He wasn’t sure where Elladan was - probably sparring or something - and secretly he was glad to be alone. If the worst should happen, at least he would have a chance to get his misery out of his system before he would need to break the news to his brother.

Sitting at the little desk in the corner of the room, left over from their schooldays, Elrohir placed the book upon the flat surface and opened it tentatively. It was very old, he realised, written in a somewhat archaic hand, and in Quenya. No matter, he thought, he had learned to be fluent in the ancient tongue of the Eldar, taught by Erestor who was, after all, a native speaker. 

Slowly he turned the pages, realising that this was indeed a treatise solely about the nature of love as the Elves saw it. It dealt first with the conventional forms of love: romantic love between an ellon and an elleth, marriage and the act of union (Elrohir blushed at this, despite himself), and then it moved on to brotherly love (not that sort, Elrohir read; he was already quite literally on the edge of his seat and this only made the tension worse), the love between brothers-in-arms, and then, moving on, the treatise dealt with love between ellon and ellon, and between elleth and elleth. Elrohir held his breath as he read that such love was not forbidden, for all love was sacred in the eyes of the Valar. _All_ love? Scarcely daring to turn the page, Elrohir read on, skipping over a few paragraphs dealing with the - ahem - mechanics of the act of union between two Elves of the same sex, until he came to the last section, which dealt - he was almost dizzy from holding his breath at this point, and he forced himself to breathe, one deep breath in and out and then another, before he read on - with love between those who were related by blood, including cousins, and siblings; yes, _that sort_ of brotherly love. It was uncommon, the treatise said, but not unheard-of, and although it was not well understood by the majority of polite society, it was not forbidden. Then it repeated the bit about all love being sacred in the eyes of the Valar, but Elrohir had more or less stopped reading. It wasn’t forbidden. He and Elladan were not the abomination he had feared. Tears of relief sprang to his eyes, but he dashed them away with the back of his hand. He needed to read on, he needed to know everything.

Allowance must be made, the book said, for those who found that the Valar had ordained that their sibling should hold the other half of their heart. The one caveat was that no Elflings should result from the union, for the mixing of blood too closely led to weakness and infirmity of body and mind, but as long as this were adhered to, no one might gainsay love such as this.

Elrohir sat back in his chair, breathing heavily as he fought to get enough air into his lungs after so long holding his breath. This time the tears in his eyes spilled over and he let them fall, hitching in one sob and then another as he buried his face in his hands and wept with relief. They were not an abomination. They were not forbidden. They were _right_ , the Valar had ordained them for each other and the feeling they had always had, since their earliest days, that they shared a single soul, it was _true_. 

A series of thuds sounded in the outer room as Elladan came in from wherever it was he had been, calling Elrohir’s name. Elrohir could not speak to answer him, but Elladan heard him all the same and came crashing into the room.

“Elrohir! What’s wrong, meleth? You’re crying! What happened?”

Elrohir only shook his head and pointed to the open book upon the desk. Elladan frowned and leaned over to take a look, scrunching up his brow as he saw that the text was written in Quenya; although he was just as fluent as Elrohir, he had always made more of a fuss about having to learn it. He murmured the words as he read, breaking off in shock as he got to the part about love between siblings not being forbidden.

“What - where did you find this? It’s not forbidden? We need not worry?”

Elrohir swallowed hard and scrubbed at his eyes with the back of his hand. “Erestor gave it to me. I didn’t tell him why I wanted…I didn’t tell him _what_ I wanted to know, only that I needed to know if something was forbidden and it wasn’t in the _Laws and Customs of the Eldar_ and he just looked at me and he knew it was something to do with love, and he took me to find this and…and then I came up here to read it.” He gulped down the sob that wanted to force its way up through his throat, and Elladan knelt down next to his chair, flinging his arms around him. 

“Don’t cry, meleth,” he murmured, pressing a kiss into Elrohir’s untidy hair; it had mostly escaped its braids thanks to his habit of scrubbing his hands through it while he read. 

“I can’t help it,” whispered Elrohir around another sob. “I thought we would have to leave, or Ada would separate us, and I couldn’t bear it, and now…I was so sure I was wrong to feel this way about you, and now I find I’m not and I don’t know what to think any more.”

“Don’t think, then,” said Elladan, tilting Elrohir’s face up so that he could smooth the tears away with his fingertips and then lean in to press a kiss to his brother’s lips. 

“I can’t help it. People still won’t understand. Ada might not even understand. Nana definitely won’t.”

“Then we don’t tell them.” Elladan’s voice was defiant. “It’s nobody’s business but ours anyway. But I love you with all my heart, and I will not give you up, not for anyone.” 

Elrohir swallowed down the next sob that wanted to rise in his throat, feeling instead the steady warmth of his twin’s love, and sending his own out to meet it; he couldn’t quite speak, but he needed Elladan to know.

They sat there for a while, Elladan awkwardly on his knees and Elrohir leaning out of his chair, his forehead pressed to Elladan’s, but eventually they had to move, and Elladan’s attention was caught by the book again, still open on the table. 

“So what else does this say?” he wondered aloud, noting that the section Elrohir had been reading was towards the end of the volume. Picking the book up he leafed back through the pages until he came to the part about love between Elves of the same sex, and the paragraphs that Elrohir had skipped over, blushing, earlier. His eyebrows went up and a grin spread across his face, and Elrohir felt a shiver run through him despite his embarrassment. 

“I didn’t read those bits,” Elrohir muttered, his cheeks scarlet again, and Elladan chuckled deep in his throat.

“No matter, meleth-nín. We can read them together, when you’re ready. Or I can read them, and then show you what they say. I don’t suppose Erestor will mind if you keep the book for a little while.”

“I didn’t ask him,” said Elrohir a little shamefacedly. “I was going to read it there in the library but then I thought I needed to be here, where nobody else could see me, whatever I discovered. I didn’t think he’d mind.”

“Well then,” said Elladan. “He knows you’ve got it, and he knows you’ll take good care of it, you were always the good one in our lessons with him. And he won’t speculate as to why you wanted it or what you’re learning from it.” Another sharp grin.

“He said if I ever needed to talk to someone about whatever it was, I could talk to him,” said Elrohir. “I don’t think I could, but it was nice of him to offer. He said his door was always open and his lips were always sealed.” He smiled, thinking of his former tutor’s kindness. Erestor was stern, and somewhat forbidding, but once you got to know him he was much nicer than his reputation would suggest.

“Well, it would be good to have an ally, if you ever felt that you could,” said Elladan. “Just in case. And you can bet he’s read this book cover to cover, like he has all the other books in the library, so he’ll know what it contains, and he’ll understand.”

“I suppose so,” said Elrohir, “but I don’t think I could talk about this to anyone except you, not yet at least.”

“And you don’t have to,” Elladan smiled. “Look, shall we go and lie down? I’m not exactly comfortable here and I’d bet you aren’t either. We outgrew these chairs years ago.”

Elrohir nodded, and they awkwardly unfolded themselves from the positions they had been crouched in, moving over to the bed and stretching out alongside each other. Elladan brought the book with him, and settled on his back, curling one arm around Elrohir, who rested his head on Elladan’s chest and flung one knee across Elladan’s legs, closing his eyes for a moment; suddenly he felt exhausted.

Elladan leafed through the book, occasionally chuckling to himself and once or twice letting out a low whistle; Elrohir thought that perhaps they might benefit in more than one way from his having borrowed it, although he also could not help the blush that warmed his face at the thought. He was going to have to learn not to embarrass so easily, at least in private with his brother - his beloved.

“It’s all right, meleth,” Elladan murmured after a little while, clearly sensing his twin’s consternation. “We have all the time in the world. And I would never dream of making you do something you weren’t ready for. I promise I will always ask you first.”

Elrohir nodded, and then, grasping his confidence in both hands, he shifted so that he could kneel astride Elladan’s hips, and then leaned down to rest on top of him, shivering at the sensations although they were still fully-clothed. 

“I want to learn, meleth,” he whispered. “For you. I didn’t want it with anyone else, but with you…I want to learn _everything_. Only…slowly.”

“Slowly,” Elladan agreed, setting the book aside and bringing his hands up to frame Elrohir’s face, sliding his fingers back into his twin’s hair. “I will teach you what I know, and then we will learn from the book, and then - well, then we will just have to discover everything else together.” He tilted his head up for a kiss. “Do you want to learn anything now, or would you rather just _be_?”

“I think I just want to lie here with you,” said Elrohir. “For now, at least. I just want to hold you, and you hold me, and know it isn’t forbidden.”

“Nobody can forbid us anything,” said Elladan. “We make our own rules, you and me.”

Elrohir closed his eyes, and kissed his brother’s lips as softly and intently as he could. “We make our own rules,” he echoed, and at last he felt truly, wholly at peace. His heart had found its other half, and nobody could gainsay it.

**Author's Note:**

>  **Sindarin translations:**  
>  (source: ambar-eldaron.com’s dictionary last updated October 2008):  
>   
> gwanûr-nín: my brother  
> meleth: love  
> meleth-nín: my love  
> ada: father (informal)  
> nana: mother (informal)  
> pen-neth: little one (literally: young one)  
> ellon: male Elf  
> elleth: female Elf
> 
> I wasn't expecting it, but as I wrote, I found that Elrohir was giving me strong demisexual vibes; he isn't just not-particularly-attracted to others, he really does not feel comfortable about the thought of being with anyone other than Elladan. Hence the tag. I hope this isn't too inaccurately portrayed (I am on the ace spectrum myself, but not demi, so I apologise if I've got anything wrong, and am happy to be corrected).
> 
> The ‘laws and customs’ here directly contradict [canon](http://www.ansereg.com/what_tolkien_officially_said_abo.htm), but given that most Tolkien fic contradicts canon in one way or another, I figure it’s okay. Besides, I have no interest in writing a story in which the twins are punished and/or separated.


End file.
